Recuperation / by John Javellana


I have locked myself in the confides of my room the past three days. Still trying to unburden myself to the company of countless packs of cigarettes.. Glasses of juice and yes, dharma down to soundtrack my seclusion. I love dharma down since I feel myself and my emotions analogous to the guitars and beats. Lively yet still so dismal. Somehow the four corners of my room is my shield to all the ruckus that is happening outside. But I found a different kind of ruckus occurring; the kind that comes from within. April and the early parts of May has been quite the roller coaster ride for me, and I needed to hide.

I have always believed that life can work itself out if you give it a chance. That is why I fight for certain things in life even though I am mindful to the thought that I am to fall flat on my face if I do. I have been driven by my heart all throughout my life. I have been a slave to what it has to impose. Cynical might be the perfect word for me right now. Hence the reason why I am trying to numb my heart. I need to find comfort in solitude once more. It may sound harsh, stupid even but I think it’s time to put reason and rationality back on the wheel and let my emotions take the back seat. The previous driver always resulted into fun and exciting trips and adventures.. But inevitably led to total wrecks.

I took the photo above during my trip to Banaue last month. That photo has always been a reflection of how amazing that particular trek to terraces was. I have never felt so alive, so ebullient. Especially with a person. That’s when I decided to let my guard down and just let go. Succumb to all the wishes and desires of that thing that beats within my chest, thinking that everything will work out well if I gave it a chance. So I did. And now I am flat on my face. I thought it was my time but I guess not yet.

Moments of magic give us an illusion that life can be so perfect and so right. But we all have to say our goodbyes to something at one time or another. And now I part ways with another bittersweet chapter of my life. A chapter which taught me a lot of things including the fact that I could still feel something so real and so spontaneous about something. A story which had derailed me at the same time gave me a fresh perspective on both love and life. A story that I wish to forget but will stay with me for a lifetime. It has the borderline of regret and satisafaction. Bittersweet I tell you.