Gising Na / by John Javellana

Things haven’t been in the best of means these past weeks. In terms of work, it has been fantastic but personally it has been a different thing. Today I woke up a sick man and screwed it up by missing my 9am assignment at the stock exchange. Woke up with a fever at 9:30 and had ten missed calls from my boss. I knew that I was in deep crap after that. I was devastated to have the first real fuck-up of my career with Reuters but Pat and Veejay assured me that it’s an understandable case. Which eased my mind - for the moment.

I find myself alone at home. Being alone is something I am accustomed to.. Or at least I thought. Ever since I took this job. Now I am trying to find solace through puffs from countless cigarettes, a glass of grape juice and to the soundtrack of up dharma down. It’s slowly sinking in that yeah, I have lost my focus and my comfort in solitude. I am restless. Always looking for that feeling I have experienced with somebody. Somebody I don’t think I could ever truly have. Ever since that, I haven’t been the same person. I was happy when it all started. But I never thought that happiness can have a very high price.

Reality always has a funny way of kicking in. Especially when we need it the most. Maybe this fever is what I needed. I needed to be stuck at home and by myself. Not with work.. Not with parties.. Not with anything else but my self. I can’t forever be captive to the false promises of the present only to wake up to the stark realities of a painful future. Even if it feels so right. Even if it feels so good. I have been thinking and driven primarily by my heart the past month. And I have made one too many irrationalities just to give in to my emotions. We all need to be a fool sometimes. It’s now time wake up. I’ve had my fun. Back to reality.